Wishing my handsome husband, my better half, my everything... a very very happy birthday. I love you times infinity, no matter how old you are :)

This is what happens when your Husband moves his drums and guitars into the guest bedroom so that you can use the spare room as a studio.

An Easter portrait.

And head banging.

Long, long ago before I even had any idea of what I might want to do with my life; before I really ever had any idea of what kind of person I would grow up to be; I wrote. I have kept a journal since 1992 and friends from high school will probably remember how often I was bent over a notebook writing short stories and poetry. High school was a rough time for me (a story for another time) and fiction was my way out.

Early this afternoon as I sat on the couch having finished watching some bad indie movie Hubs said to me: "you should write a book."

It turns out that the book he had in mind was The Lies we Tell Ourselves, my unfinished 2008 Nanowrimo attempt.

He asked: "Have you glanced at it since?"

I hadn't, and at this point I have only re-read the first chapter, but in that short time I remembered just how much I loved this novel as I was writing it.

I never did finish it. But maybe I will some day.

On nights like tonight, spent in the company of lovely women gathered around a table with snacks and drinks it's not hard to start thinking about your life. I sipped at my ginger/champagne/cranberry drink while listening to stories about job promotions, dreams of better careers and sailing around the world.

During the drive home I thought about one thing in particular that stemmed from many of the topics of conversation from tonight's girls night: my fears.

Like (I can only imagine) millions of other people I am so, so scared to fail. So most of the time, no matter how much I want something I just sit still and do nothing... out of fear.

Packing up and moving was the biggest change and the biggest risk I have ever taken in my life, but even that didn't seem so scary because I knew what I was moving towards (Dom), and I knew that I would always be safe here.

If only my fear of failure could be so easily soothed.

It's no secret that I love photography and when I moved out here I knew in my heart of hearts that I wanted to give a photography career a real go. Then time went on and on as it always does and I found that my fears kept creeping up on me.

"You can't do this."

"You're not that good."

"You don't know what you're doing."

"You don't have the courage."

At least one of those lines is true: can you guess which one?

I try to tell myself often (especially at a time like this) something my sister in law has been telling me probably since I have known her: that this time off is a good thing. It's time to think about what I want to do with my life and my career from here on out. Not many people get the opportunity to have time off like this to debate such things. She, like me, is destined for something less structured and cold... a career with heart. And that's all that I want, really. Is that too much to ask for?

I want to get past these fears... push them away and keep them away. The only problem is that I have no idea where to begin.

If I think about it, really think about it, I'm not surprised that a week has passed since Dom and I said 'I do.' After the wedding we had family brunches to attend, lunches and dinners to consume. We wanted to show off my new home to friends and family and show them the sights out along the strip. The Bellagio fountain show, the new Cosmopolitan hotel, the amazing Fashion Show mall.

It was hard saying goodbye to everyone, but I have so many memories and photographs to get me through the rough patches when and if I hit them. Right now I am telling myself to focus on what is important: getting my permanent resident card, and being - for the first time - a wife.

( Photo by Martha-Taylor Copland )

And thus begins a year like no other, our first year as a married couple. Let the madness begin!